The trick to getting through life in public as a (trans)woman is simple. Either be beautiful where you turn heads in admiration or you don't turn heads being invisible, meaning just any other woman. Anything else turns heads in curiousity or worse, and more often than not the latter.
To the former, consider your luck and work, and in some cases surgery, to pass and be nice to the latter who may pass some of the time but not most if not all the time. Their life is hard enough transitioning, adding subtle public opinion only makes it harder.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Monday, January 5, 2015
A Rule
From the news of the recent suicide of Leelah Alcorn in Ohio (long story, look it up), there has been a lot of opinion said and written about her and suicide, and many people resurrecting the advice to other how to know and then engage them if you think someone is contemplating and even planning suicide.
Well, here's a rule you should always remember! If you are not a professional therapist who has experience with suicide or a suicide counselor:
Do not think you know someone is suicidial and do not engage them in talking about suicide.
You don't know squat when it comes to suicide so don't make matters worse, and you can and often will, if you engage them to talk about suicide, and force them deeper into their own world. You can and likely will push them the wrong way.
The solution is to find someone who does know and talk to them, and then let them decide what to do, and if necessary, engage the person. And don't suddenly start acting and talking differently around them or to them. They're not stupid, and they're likley to react to you the wrong way.
And do not report them to anyone with legal authority. The last thing they want or need is legal intervention where they lose their rights and face legal hurdles. You could be wrong, and they last thing you want is to make a lifelong enemy.
In short, help them by not helping them, but just be a friend, no different than before, just be there whenever they want to be with you. No more. Just be there.
Friday, January 2, 2015
A Lot Said
A lot has been said about the suicide of Leelah Alcorn, and from what I've read, which isn't much because I get tired reading the same arguments repeated ad naseum by people thinking they're smart but really just espousing their opinion.
I can't add much to it except to say she's not around anymore, less by her choice as by her life, and it's clear the circumstances of young transgender people totally depends on one's support group, starting with their parents and family, and then everyone else.
We can all think we have some experience with people in similar situations, as I might losing a nephew at 19 to suicide with deeply religious parents, but I can't really, as all of us can't say much because we don't really know beyond what the news and information which has been released.
I can only say there are common signs of people not just thinking about suicide, but on the edge of commiting suicide, because of what I've read over the years and what I've experienced in my life, being there twice and didn't for reasons I don't fully know even now.
What I do know is what she wrote, "Fix society.", is really at the heart of the issue, because transgender children and youths need understanding and love above all else to be themselves, and failing that, it's very easy to slowly implode into oneself and pretend to everyone else.
It's one of the common signs of children and youths for a variety of circumstances, but it's hard to discern them from their personality, character and temperament which is dynamic all the time. It's why those close to them don't see it, but most don't even care to look for it.
And this I know throughout my childhood being mentally abandoned by my parents and left to live within my own world. And what clues they saw only lead to more denial and ignorance on their part, and more isolation on mine.
The criticism against blaming Leelah's parents is somewhat, but not entirely, unfair because parents reacting badly and worse to transgender children and youths runs the gamut of families as do the parents of those accepting and supporting of their transgender children and youths.
What we must think about is that Leelah's life, like those of all children and youths is bound by their own sense of themselves and their world, a significantly smaller and limited version adults live in under the psychological framework of bounded rationality.
Except their world isn't all that rational (many adults' world aren't either) but one thing overrides all other thoughts about her life and death and all children and youths almost all adults don't want to accept let alone try to understand.
Children know themselves with respect to their gender and gender identity better than everything else about themselves. This is established in the research about being a transgender person that it is discovered between 3-6 years and pretty much fixed by age 10-12.
It's a given in them they know and express, and it's only the adults who don't get it, or worse react to dismiss it and worse argue and even fight against it and their own children. Leelah was no different and there lies the heart of the issue.
A child and young adult didn't have the chance to live as she knew who and what she was. Who failed is left to those who live with her death, if they actually do rethink their own views or just decide denial, whether in faith or something else are the answers.
For everyone else, all we have is what could have been, which we don't even know that, so it's best to keep our thoughts and feelings in silence. We don't need more voices about it or the issue. We need resources for them no matter their circumstance and situation.
We need resources where transgender children and more so youth can get help to live when they can be free of the physical and mental chains of their youth imposed by their families and loved ones. Leelah seemed to see it but didn't find it.
I can't add much to it except to say she's not around anymore, less by her choice as by her life, and it's clear the circumstances of young transgender people totally depends on one's support group, starting with their parents and family, and then everyone else.
We can all think we have some experience with people in similar situations, as I might losing a nephew at 19 to suicide with deeply religious parents, but I can't really, as all of us can't say much because we don't really know beyond what the news and information which has been released.
I can only say there are common signs of people not just thinking about suicide, but on the edge of commiting suicide, because of what I've read over the years and what I've experienced in my life, being there twice and didn't for reasons I don't fully know even now.
What I do know is what she wrote, "Fix society.", is really at the heart of the issue, because transgender children and youths need understanding and love above all else to be themselves, and failing that, it's very easy to slowly implode into oneself and pretend to everyone else.
It's one of the common signs of children and youths for a variety of circumstances, but it's hard to discern them from their personality, character and temperament which is dynamic all the time. It's why those close to them don't see it, but most don't even care to look for it.
And this I know throughout my childhood being mentally abandoned by my parents and left to live within my own world. And what clues they saw only lead to more denial and ignorance on their part, and more isolation on mine.
The criticism against blaming Leelah's parents is somewhat, but not entirely, unfair because parents reacting badly and worse to transgender children and youths runs the gamut of families as do the parents of those accepting and supporting of their transgender children and youths.
What we must think about is that Leelah's life, like those of all children and youths is bound by their own sense of themselves and their world, a significantly smaller and limited version adults live in under the psychological framework of bounded rationality.
Except their world isn't all that rational (many adults' world aren't either) but one thing overrides all other thoughts about her life and death and all children and youths almost all adults don't want to accept let alone try to understand.
Children know themselves with respect to their gender and gender identity better than everything else about themselves. This is established in the research about being a transgender person that it is discovered between 3-6 years and pretty much fixed by age 10-12.
It's a given in them they know and express, and it's only the adults who don't get it, or worse react to dismiss it and worse argue and even fight against it and their own children. Leelah was no different and there lies the heart of the issue.
A child and young adult didn't have the chance to live as she knew who and what she was. Who failed is left to those who live with her death, if they actually do rethink their own views or just decide denial, whether in faith or something else are the answers.
For everyone else, all we have is what could have been, which we don't even know that, so it's best to keep our thoughts and feelings in silence. We don't need more voices about it or the issue. We need resources for them no matter their circumstance and situation.
We need resources where transgender children and more so youth can get help to live when they can be free of the physical and mental chains of their youth imposed by their families and loved ones. Leelah seemed to see it but didn't find it.
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