Gee that doesn't hurt

I saw the article about Grace Abrams, with her partner to be Australia's first same-sex couple winning the right to her passport recognizing her official sex. Gee, two seeemingly wonderful people in love, devoting their lives to one another, and getting on with their work and lives, together. Gee, that doesn't hurt so bad, now does it? So why all the flack about same-sex marriages?

This couple was legally married and still are, even after Grace changed her sex to match the gender she's always been in her mind. And their marriage after the change was upheld as legal. Even in the United States, this is not illegal or would it dissolve a marriage if one changes their sex to match their gender. You see, the laws only define who can get married, it doesn't define who can be married once they are married.

I realize Grace and Fiona don't really want to be a poster couple, but it seems to me that it's hard not to see them as one. For all the hype from the opponents to same-sex marriage, they just don't see the light of the day. Same-sex marriages aren't really different from other marriages. The whole argument for it is simply equal rights and protections, something our Constitution and laws provide to all Americans.

So, next time someone goes on and on about same-sex marriages, remind them of the statistics about domestic abuse, child molestation, incest, serial rapists and killers, most of which are committed by men in "normal" marriages. Ask them is that the kind of marriage they're suggesting is good and proper. Ask them about adultery, is that acceptable? Ask them about the number of secret gay men in marriages (eg. Senator Larry Craig).

How can they say all this issues are "normal" but two same-sex people in a marriage isn't? Then ask them about Grace and Fiona, is their marriage that bad for the sanctity of marriage? What does it actually hurt and who does it actually harm. It certainly doesn't hurt or harm anyone else or their marriage. Or are those people so afraid of diversity they'll ignore the facts and reality? Is Grace and Fiona a danger to them and the sanctity of marriage?

I don't think so, and I wish them well in their life together. I think it's cool.

Gender

I recently read an interesting post by Hellen Boyd on gender as shapes not lines on her blog. I wrote my short review of her book, "She's not the Man I Married" and some thoughts about gender.

Well, I got to thinking on the shape of things and the shape of gender, and being a photographer, I think of things in color. So I began to imagine the red, green, blue (RGB) color wheel as gender expression. Since we're all mixtures and expressions of color, we will wander around the wheel depending on our thoughts and emotions, and will stand where we are at any moment, from black to white and every color in between. We are the mix of all the male and female characteristics within our mind and body, and we stand in the wheel where we are that moment.

Does this really matter? To some people it will matter because they'll tell you they're consistently in one small space and they don't wander, and above all anyone outside their circle (definition) of their gender is the other, or worse, someone defying the accepted "standards" of gender. But who's standards? Not mine. And likely not yours, so who's? And that's the rub, what is normal? What color for gender is normal? And what about the variations of that color and the hues and brighness of that color?

And to many people it doesn't matter, it's simply who each of us are. I wrote about photographing the 2007 Seattle Pride Parade (here). I like to photograph the ordinary at these events, to show it's not about the outragious we often see photos, but simply people enjoying the diversity of life and people. It's about seeing the whole spectrum of color of human expression.

And so I thought of the RGB color wheel. Where are you in terms of your innate sense of gender and in terms of your expressed gender? Isn't it the joy of being allowed the full spectrum of the colors and just be who you are, and being whole in your person and gender? While I may not wander very far, I certainly love the range of people. Some may make you uncomfortable because of their expression, but if you get through the outer expression, you'll just see, and perhaps come to know, another person.

And remember they may be uncomfortable around you. So how would you make them comfortable?

Thanks to Julia Serano

Recently I wrote a short review and comment about Helen Boyd and her book about her relationship with her husband Betty. It, in my view, is the best book on gender from a personal perspective, not because of her husband or their relationship, but for her ability to write about being human and the diversity of being human. Along that line I read the book "Whipping Girl" by Julia Serano.

And? I have to say, it's easily on par with Helen's book and by itself, again in my view, is the best book on the issue of gender, and it's not because it's written by a trans woman, but by a woman who has, as they say, been there done that. I don't know Julia personally, nor have I been to any of her presentations to hear her, I'm only going by this book. That's obviously not a complete picture of anyone, but it's the only one I have, and I like it.

What I especially like is the way she identifies the flaws in conventional thinking about transpeople. She covers all the perspectives non-transpeople have explained, described, portrayed, and everything else they've done in the name of some agenda or purpose to show the flaw isn't transpeople, but non-transpeople who simply don't understand a transperson's world. When you try to mistakenly marginalize a group of normal people, you only find you fail to see, understand and accept the whole diversity of people.

And while I can talk about it until you fall asleep from boredom, Julia does a whole better job of it. It makes you look at yourself, and discover we're all transgender to some degree, most not enough to recognize the dissonance with their subconscious sex and physical sex, and some far enough to have, feel and know a great dissonance and spend a lifetime trying live as they know and see themselves. And sadly, most of them don't have the support to help them with their life struggle.

On top of that I read a Scientific American article on genes and gender. It seems that ones gender identity isn't what the researchers have been arguing if it's nature (fetal development) or nuture (first few years), or a combination of both, but much is set by one's genes. The genes set the framework and table for the individual, and nature and nuture does the rest. It seems there just are some things we can't really change because it's the age old argument, "We are born that way."

Ok, back to the book. There isn't really much, if anything, in the book I can find any disagreement. But then I'm a fringe person and view the world from the edge, where diversity is the rule and reality just is, nothing more, just there. I hope some day she comes to the Seattle area to hear her, and please read the book. You'll come away wiser and more understanding of people.

Space in between

A rose in a teacup? Ok, and the title? Well, I marvel at how we like our world neat and orderly, or so most of us do, at least to some degree, most more than others. Some, on the other hand, love when the world is disorganized and disorderly, confusion in the perception of reality. It applies to a lot of things in our life and world, but it doesn't seem to be more important and sensitive than in gender. We like the established binary sex of males and females, and binary gender roles of men and women, or so we think.

Well, the actual reality isn't what we think we know. Specialists in gender studies over the years have discovered sex isn't binary, but a spectrum of many combination of X and Y Chromosomes, and the genes with each which we get don't translate to the same sex as the next person. And add to that the effects of hormones in our development, we come into life a bundle of both sex characteristics in our body and our mind.

And during our life we have, need and use, both sex hormones to stay alive, they combine to keep us going as a person. The existence of anyone with just male or female hormones is one in many millions. When you then combine that with gender identity, both our own internal view of ourselves and our view of our social role in the world, we get a real spectrum of human diversity, and a large measure of overlapping sex-genders between the bulk of men and women.

And when we get to gender roles, in short, all bets are off. As any reputable researcher in gender studies will tell you, there are no sex-specific, meaning exclusive of the other sex, behavoir in the genders, not even in the same population from a town to a nation. Despite the pop-psychology books on the market, we don't all think, speak, act, behave or exist as one set of same gender characteristics.

We are combination of both sex and gender characteristics. Generalities tell you that we can assume some basic commonalities for a majority of us. Well, maybe, but not across societies or cultures, let alone nations. What we think is male in the US isn't male everywhere, from the basic ideas of social roles to individuality, especially when we think about men's view of women. Beauty isn't universal. And the same works for women.

And despite what you really think about some gender roles, even the most obvious isn't consistently felt or expressed in either gender. Not all women want children or are good mothers, meaning they have a maternal instinct. And not all men want or like being bread winners or the leader in a family. What does this mean to what we accepted in our experience about our sex and gender roles?

And yet, we continue to use appearance to judge others, relying on our own values than trying to accept them or understand their values. We shouldn't, shouldn't put our values on them when we don't know or understand, especially if it's the first time or even a few times, as the child told her mom after she got angry with a cashier once, "Mom, maybe she's just having a bad day." So, my point?

Relax about yourself, but more importantly relax about others. Take a look at the diversity of people. What do you think of them from their appearance? Is it true? Not likely. You're judging them from your perception from your experience and knowledge. And that's the point, you never know who they really are, as a person, what's behind the clothes (ok, excpeted nudist colonies and hospitals), what's in their heart, what makes up their soul and spirit, and what makes them the person they are.

So, when you standing in line, remember we all live in the space in between somebody else, so enjoy those around for the moment. What's the old saying," Judge not, lest thee be judged." You just might find and meet an interesting person and maybe make a friend. The photo? It's a cup and saucer by Goyer and Bonneau, some really neat stuff.

Gender I

I had the opportuntiy to read a fascinating book by Helen Boyd. If you have any interest in who we are as people, it's worth the time to read this book and think about gender. I have trans friends who you wouldn't know are trans unless they told you. While they're not, as they say in the community, stealth, they're not out. It's the adage within the community once you transistion, and identify as a transperson, you're always one. It's the reality of being.

And here's the kicker. While we may like to distinguish ourselves from transgender people, using the biggest umbrella definition of transgender, we're all to some degree a mix of sexes and genders as we all have male and female hormones which keeps our mind and body alive and working and we all have cross-gender aspects of ourselves. There are no gender-unique behaviors - excluding the obvious physical and sex differences. Being transgender is simply the degree our gender expression isn't what society expects with our birth sex.

Why the discussion? I don't know but it's part of being human, being thinking out loud person, my like for diversity in people's expression and presentation, and my thoughts on life and people. I like to see the diversity of people, and while I don't usually photograph them because I believe in people's privacy, photographing events such as the Seattle Pride parade provides the opportunity to see the diversity.

My point? Fairly simple and easy. Acceptance of people. Being a Taoist, that's not too hard for me. Well, there are some who take a lot of work to accept, but it's about seeing them as a person, and like them or not, they exist as you and I, born into this world as they are and growing up with their experience. Would you be much different if you were them? Maybe, but we can't tell, so why not just accept them as people? Is that so hard?

It's not if you just relax about gender. After all we're all composites of genes and experience, the ole' nature and nuture thing, so we all come out different changing as we go. As Martin Luther King said, "Judge people by the content of their character.", and not their presentation. You never know who'll meet and get to know unless you try. And by all means read the book by Helen Boyd. It really makes you think about who you are in the world.

And the person in the photo? I'll leave it to you and ask if it really matters?