To borrow a song

I was thinking about what it takes to transistion. Not someone who easily passes and goes through it to get on with her life never needing to look back, only forward. Not someone who has all the dynamic energy to go through it and live, and often fight, for acceptance by others and the public, surficially passing but not past the first moments.

But someone who wants to transistion but faces not just public embarrassment and even humiliation, overt if not subtle or covert, but more so personal fears about themselves, which often grows into self-hate. They want and always fear the worst because they don't see themselves as good enough.

This is often the case with many people, usually children and often teenagers. When you add all the problems and issues of being in the wrong body and being seen by others and expecting to act as someone you're not, just outwardly, it's only spirals into something and someone you hate, yourself.

Well, it's somewhat in a song, Crosby, Still, Nash & Young's song, "Everybody I Love You", in the lyrics:

Know you got to run,
Know you got to hide
Still there is a great life
Lingerin' deep within your eyes.

Open up, open up, baby let me in.

You expect for me to love you
When you hate yourself, my friend.

When you are the one you have to let in and the one who is your friend. Yourself. When you are the one you hate but want so much to love. When you are the one you fear, as a failure as you were and as you may be. When you just stand there and nothing feels good, only hate.

All the words of others don't and won't change it. You let youself in only to find someone you don't like, then, now and ahead. You let yourself in to find someone who wants so much for acceptance, not just of the world, but of you. It's not just about finding love, but overcoming hate. your own for yourself.

And it will never leave, never leave you alone, never let you have a life, never let you feel good. It will always be there in the corners and recesses of your mind, waiting for the moments when doubt and fear sneak into your consciousness, to become present and sometimes overwhelming.

And you need a friend, yourself. The question isn't when but if, as sometimes the weight of the hate becomes suicide. And that if often lingers through your life, never more than a thought triggered by unknown events to become real again, and it takes all your energy to survive through the if, in hope of it being a when.

And it's the when that starts the friendship, but never a guarrantee, just a hope for the possibility of a promise. A promise to yourself. That's when you are your best friend and everything else just becomes what happens, something you can live within yourself to know it won't become hate again.

But ah, that's what you stand there and wait for in your mind, with your body and for your life. To find your friend. Yourself.