Competing Fears

I read a column today, which is one of many from writers who argue, that all transwomen, meaning in-transition or post-transition if you're stealth, to "come out of the closet", like it's some great ritual where you'll be thanked and rewarded and feel a lot better about yourself. Well, it's a yes and no with lots of maybes.

It, meaning coming out of the closet, aka. opening the front door and walking out into the public to proclaim your transgender status, really only works for those who pass readily and easily, meaning you will encounter few, if any, problems as your gender. You can live fulltime, hold a job and have a social life as a woman. You don't life in fear of being outed, only the fear of being a woman.

For them, coming out is not a good thing and why many don't tell or out themselves. Why? You don't identify as transgender and you certainly don't want to be identified as transgender, just as a woman. You don't want to be a public or media figure. For them it works, and it's just the matter of your documents.

Some do get outed by others, the media, work or publicity. Only a few themselves by choice and usually in transition. And those who are outed usually take it all in stride and get on with they life. But in the end, they are few and the vast majority just disappear into society. That's their right and their life.

But for the many who might pass some of the time, mostly because people only glance or stare and move on, and those who barely or don't pass, the closet has some comfort for awhile. Often when they do go out in public, it's with a group of other transwomen or friends who understand and accept them, but for the most part they're pretty much out of the public view.

These are the transwomen, the activists argue should come out and stay out. They will tell you of their triumphs and good moments glossing over the sacrifices and struggles so they look good. They won't necessarily tell you about the times when they faced humilation, harrassment, and even assualt.

They might tell you about their arrest to show what the fight is for transwomen. They will not only argue for coming out, they will often insist and demand. They think their experience should be every transwoman's experience, forgetting that once you come out, you can't go back in, even for your personal safety.

And that's what I argue every transwoman should make their own decisions about their life and if or when they come out. There are enough barely or non-passing transwomen trying to "represent" the community and often trying to represent all transwomen. They don't on both counts.

The fear of staying in the closet is ok when it's right for the transwoman to get to the point they're comfortable with themselves and confident to step out of it into the world and public. No one should push them or pull them until they're ready. And no one should criticize or condemn them if they don't come out.

They don't need the experience of those who argue suffering is part of the experience. They don't need to be pushed when their therapist says it's part of the real life experience. It's not. I've long been against the RLE requirement as it's never been proven with studies and is often more damaging than rewarding.

But yet they argue for it all the time and many therapist insist on it for the letter for "the" surgery (SRS). If a transwoman in transition wants to wait for cosmetic surgery, wait for finishing electrolysis, wait for the longer effects of hormone replacement therapy (drugs), wait for their job security or their retirement or new job, wait for the family, or just wait for themself, they're entitled.

And no one has the right to say otherwise. Not even the most vocal activitists. No one. It's about human dignity. That's what should be argued. Not the opposite for the sake of others.