The Worst Feeling

The worst feeling is coming to the realization you've reached the end of your transition, when hormone replacement therapy has reached the end of the physical, physiological, mental, and emotional changes to your body and mind.

So all you have left are the surgeries to finish the last of your physical changes and legal documents changes to be legally recognized as a woman and female only to discover the health insurance won't cover any of the surgeries, you don't have any financial reasources to pay for them yourself, and you aren't earning enough to get a loan.

You're stuck in limbo at the end of one stage and the beginning of the last stage. You could just live as you are awhile longer to solve the financial means, except you don't pass and no one believes you're a woman when they always see a man.

Can you live in between for awhile longer? How long? And is there a worse feeling in a transition than the realization you're stuck, and for awhile, maybe a long while, like 2-3 years, as someone you hate because it gets you through life without problems but you can't be the person you know you are because of what you'll face?

Can you set aside the feeling to finish and work on the in between life? Would it be enough to comfort the feelings of change or to change? Or not, as anyone who has transitioned knows it won't, because the decision has long been made to finish and feeling to postpone it doesn't and won't last long.