The space in between

It seems most people consider sex and gender to be binary, the either or thing with male-female and man-woman, and some people consider it to be both but usually distinctly either or, namely in the definition of transgender or transsexual people. But as the transcommunity has seen, some people live in between, often labelled the gender-queer, because even the transcommunity treats them differently.

We also know that transpeople aren't mutually exclusive of the opposite between their birth sex and mind gender, meaning they're not all distinctly trans, but somewhere between balanced and slightly on the other side. They're not comfortable being who they were but they're also not comfortable with the expectation of the other side and especially the trans-side.

In short, they live and are in the space in between sexes and genders. It's where they're comfortable, if only society, and even the transcommunity, would let them be and live. But that rarely happens as people want to know which they are and which they want to be. Like it matters? It doesn't to anyone. They're not hurting anyone, but people don't like them challenging that imaginary binary.

So, the pressure and stress on them isn't as people think, their confusion to decide, but from people pushing them from both directions, when all they want to do is live as they are and see themselves. It's hard when it's an either or world and you're an "and" person. The signs don't fit. You don't fit. And everyone makes assumptions about the way you dress, speak, behave, and everything else you.

And sadly, this is also prevalent in the transcommunity. They like little boxes to describe and fit people. They tolerate people moving between boxes or living in several boxes, but not people living outside their boxes, and living in their own space and only a box if there are others doing and being the same. The transcommunity is often as harsh or cruel as the public, except it's inside the community where people can't see.

Why this idea? Well, I've always been a non-box person, besides an out-of-the-box thinker. I've don't like being in or put in boxes. I don't fit in them. I like walking around and peeking over the tops of boxes to see who and what's inside. I like living in the space in between boxes. And I'm not much different with gender.

To be honest, I've never really fit inside any model of what to expect of being a boy or man. I've always just been myself and almost always by myself. I'm very comfortable being alone (and note not lonely or a loner, just being alone). And I'm the same with gender. When I was told it's what a man does, I wouldn't do it unless there was no other choice.

I didn't like doing it. But I also knew it's what family, friends, work, and so on up the scale of our life and world, expected men do. So I tried, but many times, I simply decided not to or walked away. It's my personality, character and temperament. But I also know that all of me would fit better inside a woman and than a man. And that's the conundrum in my life.

I don't consider or see myself as transgender or trans-anything, just me, and just trying to fit into an "or" world with an "and" mind, and living in the space in between.